How to Have Every Conversation Go Well – Josh Zemel & Michael Porcelli

and most conversations are informational and that's important because there's a lot of stuff that as humans or as colleagues we need to talk about it's stuff that's occurring out in the world or it's concepts or ideas or whatever right it can really be anything that is more in the objective domain or the objective domain of conversation so do this oh okay actually nope that's not the order order is I'm gonna give them all three to you personal dimension is when we're having a conversation that includes something about one of our experience basically so I don't know quick example we might be talking about some new iPhone features and that's informational but as soon as I might say how I feel about how they got rid of the 3.5 millimeter jack after the 6s whatever right like if I actually actually have some experience about that okay now I'm in the I'm speaking more personally it's more personal and more emotional experience makes sense right also could be considered more subjective it's more my subjective experience right ejected and subjective okay and then the third and this is the one that is a little bit counterintuitive if maybe you haven't thought about it before is that there is such a thing as the relational dimension you could think of it as a variety of the personal dimension it could be like a subset right but it's something to do with my or our personal experience but it's specifically related to our relationship it might be some way that we are together or some way that I'd like us to be together or some impact that you've had on me or what it was like to hear you say the thing or how was for me when you said the thing to my sister last week or whatever how it is that we haven't seen each other in five years whatever that's that's a variety of personal experience but it's related to the relationship it's sort of like meta relating right it's relating regarding the relationship okay so that's what we mean by the relational okay so let's drill that in just real quick and then just notice as you do this real quick exercise grab a partner if you could this is only gonna take a minute and can be anybody and if you don't have somebody then maybe scoot yourself around just quick for a moment and just answer the prompt for one another each partner take a turn within the course of a minute something I read or heard recently was maybe something that was interesting something interesting I read or heard recently was just take 30 seconds each and share that and notice what it's like to be in the informational okay five more seconds yep let's let's just stay with the same partner and do this next prompt which is more of a personal prompt so there's more of a personal reveal if you really knew me you would know okay so we're getting a little bit more personal something about yourself if you really knew me you would know same partner 30 seconds each go ahead and just a few more seconds on this one switch if you haven't switched we're gonna keep going turbo style who needs a little more time if you really knew me you would know okay cool all right last one we're gonna get relational so just as you're doing this again notice if you're having any experience about moving between these different types of conversations if they feel different to you in some way okay something I'm experiencing being with you is alright okay let's wrap it up there yeah yeah you give a quick little give a quick little sign of acknowledgement of some kind to your partner for that exercise little fist-bump little I gaze something New Age okay so just quick what was what was that like anything that you guys just notice in that exercise how'd that go yeah was it was it actually yeah [Laughter] was this was that a little intimidating for anybody like this third one no cool yeah more and more what yeah yeah a little bit more intense yeah yeah so it become yes I think I get you and and did you did you like that progression being conscious of it yeah yeah so there's a heightening of consciousness as you move through and you like being conscious of that movement yeah cool Thanks if you if you if you are just joining us hi I'm Josh this is porch we're only gonna be here for a short time we got a little bit of a late start this is my fault I was at the wrong stage feel free to come and go you're not captive here we're gonna move through some quick exercises to give you a sense of three keys of how to have any conversation go well and wanted to say one other thing okay so now we're gonna take it just a step deeper and give you one of the first keys that we want to reveal to your porch is gonna do it alright so I like what you said earlier about just being aware of switching between the dimensions of the conversation keep that in mind as we do this next exercise and the section that is gonna highlight one of our keys of having every conversation go well which is to be curious in the other person a lot of times in conversations people are trying to be very interesting to other people and it's actually kind of window there's a lot of people all trying to be interesting you can actually get ironically kind of boring and when you're really interested in somebody else it actually make the conversation more rich so you're gonna chance to practice being curious so find a new partner different one than the one you just did move around or turn the other way and once you have a new partner yeah okay great all right cool so look across the other person and figure out who has longer hair between the two of you all right the person who has the longer hair you're going to be the person who's practicing being curious in the other person and the other person is gonna practice sharing so the person who's being curious they only rule you have to follow is that you ask a question you are genuinely curious to know the answer to from the person who's across from you and if you want some ideas of questions you could use you could use some of these and they're kind of categories categorized according to our dimensions informational personal and relational or feel free to come up with your own questions that you're genuinely curious to know the answer to the sharing person your only job is to share well however it is you like to respond curious person you can follow up with more questions but you don't get to share about yourself now we're actually gonna keep this conversation in one particular dynamic so it's just the curious one keeps asking and the sharing person keeps answering for a few minutes about three or four minutes we're gonna do this got it hello okay there it is it was it was on okay good now it's great okay wrap that up the next prompt same person the curious person now you're gonna say something I imagine is true about you something I imagine is true about you go ahead is okay go ahead and wrap that up now final one here is one same person you're gonna say something I felt or am feeling being with you is go something I felt or M feeling being with you is cool give a sign of acknowledgement for this partner now you've done the whole thing we're gonna take a few minutes just to share what that was like bring your attention to the whole group take out just a couple of shares from y'all and then we're gonna have a chance to do another round what did you guys notice what worked about that what went well anybody want to share yeah so one thing you noticed was it's hard to not just want to like branch the conversation down yeah the restriction of just asking question and I prevent the last follow-up but okay that's one way yeah it's hard not to react even with the word or something I mean sometimes I do when I'm curious like I not or makes little sounds or something but keep the attention on that person at least for a while this is a bit of an artificial constraint right so we're not suggesting this is the the best way to have a conversation in general but it's an exercise and hopefully it highlights something and was that a useful constraint to be forced to just just contact your curiosity again and again in each moment yeah yeah cool anything else hotter we're gonna do the next thing yeah yeah like there's something you're liking about just having it set up this way to get these conversations going cuz otherwise you might not have them as easily icebreakers yes cool yeah you can you you could totally take these prompts with you or just this kind of concept with you in general as a way to you could call it break the ice or whatever but just get to know somebody be curious that's our suggestion number one be curious about people practice curiosity and conversations okay okay great we're going to give you an opportunity to play the other role that's just what's gonna happen we were gonna shuffle you around but you guys have already switched a couple times why don't you stay with your current partner switch roles this one will even do a little more turbo a few minutes just reminder one person asks one person answers the asker only asks questions the answer answers any way you like I have an invitation for you in this round to play a little bit more and what we sometimes call like the yellow zone so like if there's a little bit more and this is true if you're an Oscar or an answer er if there's a way that you can lean into some edge of comfort or of some kind right so the green zone would be you know you're just playing in a very comfortable realm and the red zone would be like maybe it's so uncomfortable that you might not feel that good about it later or something like that but if you can play in a zone where you're kind of pushing into the edge of either the types of questions that you're asking or the way that you're answering questions see if you can get a little bit more intimate potentially if that feels good to you and if not then just ask whatever you want and we have some prompts up here for you as possibilities three or four minutes go ahead and get curious and respond go ahead alright let's wrap that up and if you were just asking questions you're going to give some feedback to your partner if you were just asking questions complete the prompt something I heard you say or something maybe like something that stood out to me that you said was let's do that something that stood out to me that you said was if you were asking questions say that now and something I imagined to be true about you is having something having been with this partner something I imagined to be true about you is everybody got that over there something I imagined to be true about you is last one something let's go with like something I experienced in being with you was or something I'm experienced in being with you is okay let's wrap it up there you give a quick sign of acknowledgement to your partner once again I know that you've already been with this partner so maybe that's alright we'll just go with that a couple quick shares anything new that you notice there or anything you didn't say before what was that like how did you guys yeah was you guys notice yeah so you got kind of confronted when I gave you the prompt to repeat back something that you heard because you were like oh I don't even know if I really remember anything and you like you kind of like that because it reminds you of the importance of really kind of listening and did you did you have something that you were able to give back okay nice yeah yeah thank you yeah what else yeah what about specifically around these these three responses at the end either what was it like to and this could be from either of the rounds we've done what was it like to share with your partner like for example something I imagined be true about you is or something it's like for me to be with you what was it like to do that or what was like to be on the receiving end of those statements either of those things yeah I love that so so it there's in in saying what you imagined to be true about somebody maybe rather than just stating something as though it's true about somebody or just keeping it to yourself but the comparison I'm making in my mind is the imagined prompt as compared to just making an assessment of somebody there's something a little bit more vulnerable about the imagining is that what I'm hearing yeah that fits for me too yeah go ahead yeah and so and and so that's something you got out of the three prompts at the end maybe they imagined and the feel yeah yeah there's like a human reveal yeah cool so here's key number two this is perfect I'm glad that you guys teed me up to say this would have been really awkward if you hadn't reveal your experience reveal something about your experience particularly your relational experience so this is tip number two is reveal something relational and there's a finer point to it also right so it's not just reveal but it's reveal in a certain way and this is why we teed you up with the imagine prompt right when you're revealing something relational it's generally a good idea we think to do it in a way that is inarguably about your own subjective experience right so what was your name begin in the in the pink at the end yeah Teresa okay great all right would you be willing to actually say what what it was and maybe if it's okay with your partner too but what what it was that you imagined to be true about him I was tracked music web design is what he was talking about yeah aha Yeah right okay great so you imagined that he's more left brained yeah and I could so so just let's compare that to if you had said something like oh so you're more left brained right there's a different flavor there right or or another way that it often shows up is people smuggle in those kinds of assumptions into like another context like oh so what's it like for you to be so left brained is that hard you you guys I mean laughing a little bit because it's true like that's a common thing that people do right they like they they they they smuggle in some assertion about somebody as though it's a fact don't check it out and move on to make another point or ask another question related to that so if you're gonna be vulnerable and if you're gonna create intimacy and Trust through revealing your experience right using language that owns your experience we call that speaking for yourself or owning your experience establishing your speaking of your experience as your own things like I believe I imagine right checking checking it out okay so that's number two so be curious reveal your experience while speaking for yourself is number two well be curious number one you guys can see it on the board number three we're gonna hit without giving you an exercise because that's how much time we have for today but porch is going to give you a little quick download on our tip number three and then send you off and have a great eat Enver alright number three we call it creating an effective context so what we kind of just did for you like you said come makes it easy this fella here in the front I can't remember your name you're saying like this might not have happened if we hadn't done it for you and the thing that we did was we created a context and invited you to it and we said here's why you might want to do this you might want to do this if you want to know how to have every conversation go well try this and people who have done these types of exercises with us will sometimes say like yeah but you made that easy because you set it up for us it's not so easy when I'm just out there trying to make this happen for myself so I'm gonna give you a tip for how to make this happen more easily for yourself whether it's more of like a connection icebreaker type of thing or if you're thinking about the kinds of conversations that maybe don't often go well like sensitive topics like feedback for a team member or something like that or where there's a disagreement or an argument with somebody sometimes those we often have an assumption or a prediction that those are probably not going to go well so this is not a guarantee that it will go well every time but we know that setting an effective context creating an effective context usually helps those go better and that the two keys here are to say like before you just jump into it to actually create an invitation that welcomes the person to have that conversation with you by saying what it is that you want to talk about not to go into the actual detail of it but to say what it is that you want to do and why it is that you want to do it and that expression of why is really key because if I imagine being you wanting to create an effective context I imagine you actually want something that's good for yourself and for the person that you're talking to like if this goes well if the feedback is heard effectively and incorporated effectively your relationship will improve so rather than expecting maybe this is not gonna go so well connect with that answer to that question of why you want to do it on behalf of yourself and why you want to do it on behalf of this ongoing relationship that you have with this person and even on behalf of them like maybe you have something that if they heard it it would be really good yeah okay great we're gonna wrap up so before you get into it tell them what you're gonna do and why you're gonna do it and invite them into the conversation before you just jump right in and I want to invite you in the conversations you have here at Aoife Denver to give that a try yeah okay thank you [Music] you